(written a few days back)
they punched a hole in my california license today. i still do not know this place and yet now, legally, i am of it. do i want to be? my mind is not made up. but now i've belonged to the entire west coast which feels sweet and special. i am my mother's daughter though our paths find different order. ca -> or -> wa / wa -> ca -> or. i don't think either of us will stay where we are now. what's next?
last night i said "i wish i had," by which i think i mean i hope for the future. how vast that seems in the face of this fleeting moment. when i think of friendship i sink into memories of held hands as we run into the ocean. pure joy so sweet the weight of it is heavy on my lungs, in my stomach, in that place my soul is. where i keep my memories of you, and pry open to sneak glances in free moments: in the time between alarms in the morning, on my lunch break, as i doze off at the end of day. so much pleasure in these visits to the past tense. to yearn with hope and to yearn without.
i'm embraced by the arms of such meaning and am asked if there's a tear coming from my eye. there always is. i may not experience anger but that does not mean there is no ferocity to my emotions. sadness is, for me, a viscerally passionate endeavor. overtaking, blinding. empowering. nothing in the world could convince me to surrender it. i'm here for it all, and especially the hard shit. i love the love, too, but i think the lines between the two are much less clear than we make them out to be. what is love without longing? i keep coming back to this. i'm happy to fall into it. and so grateful to the many loves of my life who have given me the opportunity.