light waltz / what's the time?

lying in the grass at willard with brett and we both agree that there's something special about the way the light and the trees relate to one another here. in this bay area , the Bay Area, they dance. it is beautiful. i think i'm here for inventories. i carry four notebooks with me that i use every day for different purposes but what it all boils down to (and what won't come out in the wash) is that i live by lists. here is the latest addition to the collection. 

may 29. the sun rises early and i'm watching fiona apple. no she cannot be referred to in any other way. that's the name the vet knows her by. she is sweet. breakfast and tea in the backyard where i watch the leaves and the light in their waltz. i have more of a morning routine now than i've ever before and this is the first time i haven't needed one. 

day two of trying for dead and company tickets at golden gate park. i'm in. 

first in-person interview since my first job. bart to city. i sit at the table and look at the panel of interviewers and i feel like a child. i'm sixteen years old and this is my first service job. 

bus ride home i'm dozing off reading nausea, which i read 20 pages of on the 8th of july 2024 and did not pick up again until this day (two days later as i'm writing this, i have finally put it to rest). 

the knicks win. frankie and i wear blue and orange wigs that he found on the side of the road (2 of 12). 

olivia and brett share red.

at willard park jovan does not recognize me because my hair is not usually orange. he reads sci fi and the hip house dwellers eat cherries and pie and drink sweet wine. this is where we look at the leaves. chris who they met the day prior tells me "i love these hippies," referring to us. he tells me every time his children (who are older than me) asked what time it was he would tell them "it's time to get ill." it is hacky sack summer. it is park summer. it is stone fruit and sunlight dance summer. storm brings bubbles and it's as if i've just arrived at hip house for the very first time. dead and company and sunshine and the bubbles and the park. what happened in the interim? 

the night ends with funk night. we ride bikes and i have one to ride for the first time in a long time. i've gotten used to being without wheels. jordan had rope access level three re-certification in san diego last week and met a french man who offered him a job in france. the story goes that this man pulled up on a green cruiser bike with a cigarette in one hand every day of the class. now the bike is mine. no gears and no hand brakes. a learning curve. 

we dance in our wigs and the bartender dons one. we dance so hard. 

after we meet romeo, who went to berkeley high school and who loves it here. he asks where we go out and we realize we don't. there is pride in being home bodies here, though. somehow it is home everywhere with hip house. i sit on the fire escape the next morning and i'm all gratitude, boundless, ebbing and flowing down onto parker street below. 

graduation weekend (fuck the future, space oedipus)

 

taking inventory: it is the 18th of may 2025, two days after the semester's end and two days prior to graduation (this is the last time that it's all about timing for the time being, I think. savoring it?) 

I wrote directions to Kyler's house in one of my many notebooks... loose guidance for a day of wandering. Things move a lot slower this way. The entry on the page before is some words of wisdom from my dear Henri in the kitchen after we saw revenge of the sith in theaters a few weeks back: 

"i say fuck the future. that's why i love star wars. fuck star trek. as someone who loves sophocles i want oedipus in space, and that's star wars."

I met Kyler's parents and we talked about trying to figure it all out. How does one ever know where they're supposed to be? At some point they thought they'd transition to living in Vermont full-time.  I think it's really just about what feels right when you wake up that morning. 

Last night I decided I'd stay in San Francisco and said so while standing at the Kona Club bar with Michelle. We ordered piña coladas. Someday I'll wake up in San Francisco and it won't feel right that morning and I'll figure all of that out then. 

Today I also met a finance guy who lives in Chicago and is from Westchester ("oh, I've heard of that," - me, Suraya, and Alyssa, independently) and talked to him about how important it is to be able to speak to people on the street. I would love to meet someone new every day. Upon further reflection I think I probably do. Still no good at goodbyes, though. I'll just keep making future plans instead. 

Lots of sweet conversations about future and past and the convergence point of the two. I think it is a privilege not to know what is going on although I have been running from that for so long. But it's good to face it, to plant your feet in the dirt and stare it in the eyes. I'm here for all of the hard conversations and will hold your hands through them all. So many bouquets of flowers!! Mead and bee's knees and Martha Stewart wine. The sunset is beautiful and I am reminded that there are so many people in my life whom I am certain are the reason the sun rises the next day. love abounds, and this too shall pass.

Here is a cool photograph of Ameen and Esteban, posing (posers)